Why am I so odd? I hate to socialise. I can go years without meeting friends of over a decade and yet feel nothing. See a friendly neighbour approaching the lift lobby and I curse. Oh no! Time for small talk and fake smiles. I see a friend or family calling just to say a 'Hi' and I silent my HP immediately (sometimes) because I dislike entertaining people. Need me urgently,meet me personally. Such a B**ch eh?

I have more to list. Let me go on. It is reflection time. Do I want to change. Am I happy with the way I am now? It may or not affect me in the near future.

I leave my HP in silent 3/4 of time. The 1/4 is when I am at work because I have to leave it on. Leave me alone, do not disturb. Maybe because I have enough on my plate to settle and I do not want to know what is going on in other people's life because, then it would mean commitment to help. Something I cannot resist. To help.

Going out with a friend? You rarely find me in a pair. I have to be super duper comfortable with you before I let myself be alone with you. Else, I always make sure there is at least one other person with me. To be the entertainer while I "fulfill" my promise of being there - physically. The silent observer. Again, silence. I like silence. In fact I love silence. Don't ask me why. But let me clarify, it does not mean I dislike you. I just want to be away from that attention. I dislike one to one attention. Annoying. I am starting to find myself annoying

Going for a movie in a group? I "chope" the corner seat. It has become a known fact. Yea, I need the leg space to fidget around but the real reason is because I want to be left alone. Let me be. I hate it when I have to interact in the middle of movie. Pass little comments, in short, small talks in between.

I am really a weirdo man. A social idiot. It is like Autism in another form. While people with Autism are unknowingly in their own world, I knowingly create that bubble of space. My own world for me, myself and I.

Why?

I barely have any friends. I am more of a family person than a friends' person. There is only one that I mean often. The rest are virtual. Zero physical contact and yes, I have no hurry to make that contact. To make up for lost time. It is peaceful.

There are that one or 2 in the virtual world that I keep in touch via sms. That is about it. I am not bothered to initiate a meet up. I only realised this when Kenny asked me the question of who have I been in contact with lately. My answer came only after at least 30 seconds. My response? No one other than KX in Singapore and Jo Ann over Facebook messages. Nada. That is about it. And she was surprised. It also got me thinking. Should I come back from lets say, a work trip after 2 years, will there be people for me to meet up just like Kenny had? I doubt so. For sure it will be that few that I keep close. Farah, Rekha, Wei Xian, Ezza, Rabiya and KX. Locally that is. And those names came without a moment of hesitation. I can't think of anymore names to add on. On the brighter note. Easy on the pockets. ;)

What is wrong with me? I am not whining. I hate whining and cannot tolerate whiners. I am really reflecting. Why? So many whys but no answers to fill them up. Or could it be I choose not to know.

I need to know.

ARGH!! Anyone who can unravel the mystery? ;)

I have no rewards to offer. Just a humble and sincere thank you.

I need a mental vacation.