Thursday, 10 June 2010

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Oh GOD, I honestly think I am going nuts officially. I over react for matters that seem so insignificant, showing tantrums and blasting people off. Telling them to shut their mouths and just buzz of. Everyone seems extra irritating all of a sudden. Especially those close. A remark made out of innocence appears as something meant to hurt and an action out of impulse seem like mockery meant to put me to shame.


I used to be able to keep my emotions in check but it seems so difficult suddenly. I find myself dreading the thought of stepping out of the house cause it makes me feel so vulnerable. Like the whole world has nothing better to do but observe my every action, waiting to pass a hurtful comment at me or my family. Why is this happening? I feel so guarded and I have to admit it is affecting my relationship with others.

I may soon be a loner one day. The thought scares me.

Sometimes I wish I could just curl up in bed with a blanket wrapped tightly around me. Just lie there in cocoon comfort as the day passes by as it does or its daily routine. No one to disturb me, no one to test my vulnerability.

Who can I talk to. Can you tell me? My own mother is useless. Always in her own self-centered world having nothing more than a "what do you want me to do" phrase when you tell her that nothing she says seems to make any sense because honestly, they never make sense because her words are said out of obligation to do so and not from the heart of wanting to do just that - console, to give a listening ear.

I am scared because I know that if not stopped, I may lend up in the mental institution one day or worse still, just die. No, I will never suicide, pain scares me, blood terrifies me so you can be rest assured that it would never happen. My mind will just be so over loaded with endless negative thoughts that it may just decide to explode and lead me to ST. Peters Gates of Heaven at an early age.

Oh God, what do I do now? I cannot seem to let go of the past no matter how hard I try to do so or how much I tell myself that it is over and life is now much better than it was. I thought that by going into special education and helping the children will help me to release the past from my life's grip but guess what, it did not do its work because each case I see triggers something from the past and the whole flash backs come.

What could have traumatized me so much? There are people who have gone through so much more than I have in life and yet they are able to pick themselves up and move on, then why not me?

It is so bad that I even get called a jealous heart, a happiness robber and God knows what more is there to come. I am starting to believe they are all true because I can see it for myself and know that though I am not the jealous type, my words and actions do reflect that and while I am not one to rob someone of their happiness, my somber and irritable mood does its part in dampening other peoples spirit. So the words are true in a way aren't they?

Sometimes I wish I could just take a shard of glass and slowly slash every part of me to just let the physical pain take over the emotional torture but once again, I thank God that I am a wimp. At least being a wimp has some benefits. Ha!

Bang my head? Get knocked down by a car? Hit my fist? Kick my leg on the wall? Anything, I would do anything if it can promise to just end it all. How about a memory loss? At least I can start life a fresh with a clean slate.

I feel so numb, I thought I was all done and over with all this emotional crap but nope, they were there all these while like a cancer cell growing unknown to me.

I wish it would just stop, I cannot take it anymore.

I wish I could just whack people up. Whack the bloody dogs who made me go through this. The stupid b*****s who I hope will go to hell one day and burn till their skin is stuck to their bones and then satan will feed their remains to the guard dogs of hell.

Freaking Hate them. Yes, I saw one of the shit heads at little India today. Actually, it was her mother but it was equally bad because her stupid daughter shares her ugly looks (the mother is not any better than her daughter in terms of character.). OOOh how I wish I could just splash acid on her face and ruin it. She and her gang members. Oh and the primary school losers. Argh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The key to releasing all these frustrations is to forgive them but I can never seem to do it! Not at all! Over the years, I have built myself around the policy of never trusting people who made me shed a tear and that of course excludes family members and what has that brought me? The loss of many friendships and with the remaining ones, some are already strained. Silly right? Who can I blame for this? Me? For being so weak and sensitive or them for triggering all these problems. Who? Tell me who because I really want to know. A part of me wants to blame them. Point all my 10 fingers at them, my father, everyone who has spoken hurtful things about so that at the end of the day I can say that it is not my fault that I am such a loser. Blame it on them, not me.

But let us wake up to reality, it takes two to tango - me for choosing to be the dart board and them for being the darts.

Fair enough? I think can live with that.







Signing Off On|Thursday, June 10, 2010|

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