This week has been a real emotional mayhem. Well, technically, the week is far from over. There is still Friday, SATURDAY(which I don't even want to begin with) and Sunday. 3 Days, and from a pessimist point of you, I am not expecting it to get any better.
You cannot blame me you know. Considering how the week prior to this was. I am still searching for the lost optimism. It must be buried somewhere deep in my heart, or so I think.
I have been keeping my hp off and to those who have been contacting me, I am really sorry. I had no choice, I needed that break away from my hp for awhile. To just avoid any contact and to focus on getting myself sorted out. I am still healing from last week and my emotions are still raw, though I choose not to show it.
I had a good Birthday and I am thankful my sisters and my cousin ' little brother' made that time for me.
Saturday is approaching and that whole negative emotions are back once again. I picked up my hp to give an excuse but my fingers decided otherwise. To be honest, I am still trying to find a motivation to go and to not go brings the fear of losing my friends.
See, this shows that I MUST be having a soft spot for them.......RIGHT? Else, I am sure I would have gone against my conscience by now.
Why? It is not as if I did not voice it out to them this time. I did. I sms-ed them 2 weeks ago and told them how I felt so that when this Saturday arrived, I would not have to feel what I am feeling right now but guess what? It did not make me feel any better. In fact, it makes me want to just avoid them all the more.
My head is telling me that I am being a fool for going against my feelings but my heart is telling me to think about the years together before being the same fool.
Somehow, my head is close to winning. It is taking me a lot of control to just do it.
After all, I am the one who has to sit there with the fake smile knowing inside me that I do not want to even be there. If the 10 years did matter, I wouldn't even be feeling this way to even begin with.
I do not like being a hypocrite. Because I hate hypocrites myself.
So what should I do? Me or them?
Honestly, tell me.
I want 100% honesty. A successful person is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks that others throw at him or her. ~David Brinkley
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