Wednesday, 9 September 2009

~**~




On this day of your life, we believe that you've been driving yourself too hard lately.
Sure, there is time to invest yourself fully into work, but there is equally important time for joyful resting. And for you, this time is now. What is the absolutely most wonderful little treat you can give yourself? Do it today.

How appropriate. I do not believe in astrology or anything of that sorts but I admit I have fascination towards it like how at times, like today, they can be accurate. I wonder how it happens. Don't you?

Hmm..Have I been working myself too hard? I really don't know. I am a perfectionis by nature and I like my work done on time and with as little flaws as possible but lately, I have not been doing so. I am not satisfied with my output and really would like to do better.

Let me side track a little for now and show you an interesting discovery(actually, I kind of knew it all along from past experience but this just knocked the nail in).

For my Education Psychology lesson last week, we were told to answer a set of 30 questions to derive our suitable learning /working style and with all the calculations done this is my result:

Individual: 48/50


visual: 40/50


Auditory: 40/50


Tactile ( touch and feel): 38/50


Kinestetic ( hands on): 38/50

Group: 22/50 - FAIL!!


So yes, group assignments and I are like



ME<---------------------------------------------------> Group Assignments / Discussion

and no, its not that I do not contribute. I do. Because, work divided among us is somewhat like an individual part so its ok. It is the discussion part that I cannot handle. Especially if it is in a group of more than 3 then I am in trouble because it means less attention on me and I need attention! (not in an attention seeking kind of way but attention to keep me focused, kind of way).

It has been a long while since I have enountered this problem. Till today.

I am disappointed with my attitude but I really could not help myself. I was trying to get my ideas out but there were just so much going on around me that I just switched off. YES. Like really switched off like zonked out, zombified kind of gone out! And then I went silent and slowly faded into the background and somehow took it out indirectly on my 2 friends.

I did what I always do best when angry. Silence and ignorance.

I totally ignored them and whatever attempts made to talk to me. I hate my attitude at times. Seriously. Who do I really blame for this? I really want to change. Seriously, I do. But am not having the right support.

My parents are in their own world while I have bored and tortured my poor sisters enough with all my "I have to change and I am slowly trying to change" empty talk.

The question is, WHEN?! WHEN WHEN!!! Seriously..WHEN!!

A good 10 - 12 years have passed and I still cannot get over things? The wounds should have closed by now right?

I feel so muddled up. A whole web of entangled thoughts in my head.

I need to change. BUT when will I take that step of letting go?

I need to find this girl and bring her back to where she really belongs.

ME.




The key to change... is to let go of fear.








Signing Off On|Wednesday, September 09, 2009|

_____________