Sunday, 9 November 2008

~*The tongue,like a sharp knife kills without drawing blood.*~


Closure.
I decided to take a solo trip to the airport to get my thoughts cleared.Pen and paper in hand(and a lighter too!) I went to terminal 2.My favourite place to get my thinking cap on.After 3 hours of continuous writing,I discovered the 3 key problems that are really affecting me emotionally and for awhile,have been buried in till recently.

Hurtful words(mockery),school and life in general were the main cause of my sudden outburst of negative emotions.

For many years, since primary school I have been the target for many to throw insults and stupid jokes on. Maybe it is because when I was younger,I was not exactly a pleasant looking creature of the lot.Anyway,lets not go back there. I am still figuring out why.

I realised yesterday that what happened last week is the major cause for my whole mood turn.It has hit me real hard.Some of the words used brought back alot of memories.Surprisingly,being called a prostitute,a dirty slut,a whore,someone who deserves to be spat on, did not hurt as bad as being called a black bitch.Why?because colour is my weakest point.It has been since I was young and to be knowingly called one hurt so bad it brought my whole wall down.I sound pathetic now but I told myself in order to let go of all the hurt,I have to accept it first.So I may as well feel down now,cry it over and then move on.

Before anyone thinks I was just using this entry to narrow down on them,let me clarify that I am not.My own mother has hurt me with such words not long back.Of course she didnt call me a prostitute and slut etc,but I was mocked for having a heart as balck as my skin.Ha! I guess it is true.If my own flesh and blood can hurt me this way,it wouldn't take long for someone else to do it.I am really very down.This has been one of the worst emotional set back I have ever had in a long time. That one entry has triggered alot of unwanted memories that I can feel hatred seeping into me.I am trying to block it all out and just focus on my studies.The only key I have to freedom.Freedom from my horrible house,freedom from people and their ever-ready insults,because only with that degree can I put people in their places.Hai,that is whether I do continue but even then,I will not back down.There are many routes I can take to eventual success.

What KX told me actually hit a spot in me."No one can make me feel inferior without my permission."Yup,so true.Now on,I have to toughen up and not let people and their verbal daggers get the worst of me.However,getting back to trusting people will take awhile.Because aside from the others,being hurt by family,that too your own mother, and your own friends is the worst thing that can ever happen to anyone.Stupid people.

p.s Whether I believe in buddhism,hinduism or catholicsim,whatever the religion I believe in,I watch how I treat people angry or not so watch your words too because a little bird told me that you have mentioned somethings about me and religion and how fake I am.Somewhere along that line.However,I have told him/her that the worst has already been said.That won't hurt me just as much.

Just to quote part of the sms:

"So much for buddhism,templism.The fucking whore! She pray for what?Behave like a slut!"

Though stunned beyond words,it somewhat didn't come as a big surprise.Part of me chose to believe the message,part of me told to just turn a blind eye towards it. Let bygones be bygones.

I don't know what to believe anymore,I am just going with my guts.

“While one person hesitates because he feels inferior, another is busy making mistakes and becoming superior.”

The tongue,like a sharp knife kills without drawing blood.
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Mr pilot is getting engaged.haha.

Case closed.Fly birdie fly.

Signing Off On|Sunday, November 09, 2008|

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