I was mopping the floors when my mind started its thinking process.(I realised,I think better when I do house work especially,sweep/mop-there is just something soothing about the whole process.haha)I just received a call last evening from SIM asking if I want to continue studying and if I am aware I have C++ to take again the coming semester.I answered yes.Obviously right?Well,I realised that when I answered Yes,my heart did not agree with what my mouth answered.The same confidence in which I had when I answered the previous semester was not there,neither was the sense of satisfaction that a new semester is about to begin.I won't say my previous semester was bad.It was fun as I had friends unlike my first semester in school.

So why am I hesitant this semester?Could it be that it is because I have to face programming again for the second time this year?A subject in which even in poly,I dreaded so much.The answer is YES and NO.

Yes because I hate programming and I just cannot seem to understand the whole logic of it no matter how much I have put my heart and guts into it.Take last semester for example.I worked my butt out for C++ and what did I get in return for that stupid subject?' F!"Freaking 'F!"can you believe it?I can't.

Why NO(why C++ is not to be blamed)?well,that is because I finally realised my heart in reality,is actually not here.Not in IT not even in security which I used to think was what I actually wanted.The truth is finally out.It took 1 1/2 hours of mopping just to discover it.Believe me on that.The only reason why I really wanted to go ahead and study was just to prove people that I can achieve something in life.That what people thought of me and my family was all wrong.I just wanted to do it to prove others and not myself(that is because I personally know I am a capable person).Thus,the lack of self motivation,self satisfaction.I even realised that not being able to pursue the medical field is not 100% disappointing to me because deep inside me I know that if it isn't meant for me then so be it.Life has many doors for us to open and explore.

What am I supposed to do now?I am really lost.I am torn between discontinuing with the degree and continuing with it.I decided to first finish with C++ and then make my decision and that is because passing C++ is a challenge I want to conquer and show MYSELF I am actually able to do it if I really decide to put all hatred aside and focus on it.Do C++ because I want to and not because I HAVE to like I was doing before.Maybe,with a change in mindset,I maybe able to pass it with a breeze.

I am scared of the outcome.No kidding about it.But it is my life and if I am not satisfied why should I satisfy others.I know I will be disappointing my parents if I choose to discontinue but I believe that if I come up in life doing what I am happy with,then that piece of certificate paper won't matter to them at all.They would be just as happy,just as proud.So for now,I shall buy time by just focusing on my C++ and from there............the answer will then be known.

All I am sure of now is that even with that cert in hand,I would not be pursuing in the field of IT security.Nope.I am80% sure I won't.I know that because I discovered that I like helping people and animals.My soft spot is there.So I hope I can venture into social service.Hey blob! maybe our motivational business should just take place if you know what I mean ;).

Before I sign off,let me tell you my latest craze.Unniappam a.k.a banana balls!haha..I have been imagining many variations for it but unfortunately,the idea didn't take too well with my skeleton of a cousin!haha..never mind akka! We will grab Nisha along and do our own receipe variation ok?!So exciting!

Adieu!