At times,I think it is the insecured person inside me that leads me to believe that even the most innocent comment is meant to hurt my feelings.I find it hard to trust people and their intentions all of a sudden.Not even my own siblings.Why?I do not know why(as usual).Silly as it sounds,I find myself getting heated up when I get adviced by someone younger than me,irritated at myself for not being sensible enough to think the way they do and when they try to act mature,I get all defensive,fearing that whatever respect I get as the eldest may slowly wear off.And how do I handle it when it all happens? I go right down and insult them.Telling them off.Telling them to just shut up and act their age and not act smart when they "are not."Cannot imagine those words coming out of my mouth?Neither can I.And I am the one saying it.

They say you hurt the one you love the most.Where is the logic?Why is it ok to be nice to someone out of your family but when it comes to your own,you do the exact opposite.I tolerate the nonsense of my friends way better than I do with my sisters.The best part of it?A friend can really irritate the shit out of me and test every strand of my patience and I would continue sitting there with a smile on my face.The ever angelic me.BUT,all it takes is one nonsense from any one of my sisters,and they will get the whip of my tongue.It hurts alright.Because I do not like that side of me.It feels so surreal.So out of my body.So much so,when I cool down and think back to my words and actions,I actually cannot believe my own self,my own temper.It makes me sick to the stomach yet I cannot seem to control myself. However,when compared to the past,I have changed alot.I have toned down but not enough.

So what should I do?I do not know who I can openly talk to without feeling vulnerable.I have not reached that point of comfort with anyone yet.Not family,not friends.I have alot to vent out inside me.I just need the ears and the heart of someone to actually listen and understand without judging.Someone,whom I know would not think I am being a real whiner-(everytime I decide I would open up to a person,I find myself retreating back just because I do not one them to think I am a pathetic human.Don't ask me why.But everyone will openly come with their 101 and problems without thinking like wise.Again,why am I like that?)

I may explode or worse still,die of all this buried tension inside.A volcano waiting to erupt.

I want to talk it all out.Finally realised I have to.I want to voice every insecured feeling I have inside me.To clean myself all out,every grime of grudge,insecurity,fear and low self esteem and start afresh.Do you want to be that "lucky" one?I doubt so.