Monday, 2 June 2008

~*16 short years later*~



The last fews days have got me thinking alot. Why do i have that extra pinch of sensitivity in my blood stream? or the table spoonful of extra spicy anger inside me always? Worse still..that ever ready dam of tears ready to burst and flow through at a slight crack. I think I sort of found the solution to it all. It all started 16 short years ago. Haha..back when I was a 5 year old kid.

Dark,chubby(I call it extremly overweight) and a real "kuckoo brain." I would say i was a perfect image of a comedian. To cut the long story short..I guess I wasnt someone my father was really proud of to show around to friends and colleagues..fat,"black" and well, nothing really pleasant to the eye and so I became just a backdrop. Next to someone who had milk white skin and beautiful black curly locks...what was I? The first concotion of a bad character was being made.

The ingredients? Low self esteem and lack of self pride. I hated every sight of myself in the mirror and stopped behaving like a "clown" . Didnt make much eye contact with people when I had to hold conversations and disliked the thought of socialising..what would people think of me? are they judging my looks? all this thought would run through my childish mind everytime i met someone. It all lasted till I was in primary school where things settled for awhile.

I made some nice friends and it was all good old primary school fun. Till i was in primary 2 when my principal accused me of initiating a fight with P, my then enemy in school. How could a "fair pretty girl like P bully someone like you?" were the exact words spat out of her mouth. So what? Just because I am dark, fat and not half as pretty as the girl, it makes me a bully ? Only fat people bully? The victim in question was me! idiotic woman! I was the one that got bullied in the bus and hit you bloody fool! Doesnt mean I am black and unsightly looking means i am prone to bullying a pretty and small built girl ok??! Argh! Well, instead of just leaving it at that, that old witch of a woman had the cheek to tell my mother the same freaking thing! B***h! I still hold that tiny grudge towards her..cause she had the honours of leaving scar no.2 on me. But guess what? The scars didnt stop appearing. Got attacked by bullies and had more mockeries thrown all the way till i graduated from school of hell in Primary 6.(As much as I had fun, I never really enjoyed primary school). But I had a goal..to excel in my education. To get that attention.

Entered seconday school, things werent so bad..thanks to the wondeful classmates I had. I still had the occasional bully problems..but i had friends to turn to always. But it never failed to hurt me even more. All that has happened in this short 16 years have moulded me into a person of rojak emotions: The good the bad and the ugly. But through it all i am glad to say I have picked myself up and strived through..though i have to really work on the bad side, Over sensitivity, short tempered-ness, letting go of grudges and the list goes on. And one thing is for sure..keep building on the good side..coz through the years..THAT black fat thing has evolved into a beautiful black girl who is really proud of her chocolate colour and is working her way through getting the perfect body to compliment the nice features of her face(I have a slight issue with my face though..its a bit too round..haha)..and lastly, a bag full of confidence and pride (and i mean good ones) to sum up her over all personality.

Till then Adieu!

Signing Off On|Monday, June 02, 2008|

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